Online dating for women: a field guide, Part I

Field Guide: noun. An illustrated manual for identifying natural objects, flora or fauna in nature. 

I have always been a nature enthusiast. When I was in college, I spent much time backpacking throughout the United States. I remember reading Tom Brown's Field Guide to Wilderness Survival cover-to-cover, eager to learn about identifying edible plants, how to build a natural shelter, and how to get safe drinking water in the wilderness. I've been thinking about how field guides would come in handy in life situations, especially dating.

If only online dating sites came with such clear instructions.

Over the course of my time in the online dating world, I have heard many men complain that they do not receive responses on their respective sites. But when looking at their pictures, it's easy to see why! Sometimes I wonder what people think when they take these photos.

Men in online dating sites can be divided into eight distinct categories. I offer this field guide (with pictures) to help other women in their quest for love online.

The Eight Categories of Men on Online Dating Sites:

1. The Macho Men. These are men who need to prove to the world how very masculine and strong they are. There are so many types of macho men, I decided to break them up into seven easy-to-digest subcategories:
     Subcategory A: "Gym Rats" often seen posing in dirty gym mirrors with skin-stretching biceps (and various other muscle groups) flexed, gym rats try to impress with their Herculean arms and brute strength. They are quite fond of their own reflection, and should be approached with caution.
Here are some examples:

"Taking selfies is hard. Tricep curls are easy."

"I love muscle-building protein supplements so much!"

"Rock, paper, scissors, DOUCHE!" 

"I'm so tough, I ski mostly naked!"

"I will lure you in by insulting you. I don't know who told you you were a unicorn..."

     Subcategory B: "Motorcycle Dudes" These guys strongly identify with the large hunk of metal between their legs. Like James Dean, they are rebels without a cause; all they long for is the open road, the wind in their hair and the rumble of a Harley...and you on the back of their bike to complete the package.

     Subcategory C: "The Dudes' Dude" Likely to say "bro" often, these dudes want you to know that they will always choose bros before hoes. Except, there's so many bros in the photo, we can't tell which one you are, bruh!

"I really love the Pittsburgh Penguins"

WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

"What's up, bruh?"

     Subcategory D: "Fish (or otherwise dead animal or firearm) Holders" These dudes are supremely macho. They are so macho, they illustrate their prowess by holding dead fish they outsmarted or dead ungulates they overtook in the wild. They can also be seen holding firearms. We women can all rest easier knowing they keep us safe from scary fish and hoofed animals.

Note: the wedding ring

I debated putting this guy in the "Fish Holder" category because of his designation for his place of employment: "up your ass." Between that and the classy hoodie, he is clearly sending a message that could very well belong in the next subcategory and that he doesn't give a ....

     Subcategory E: "The Antisocial Personality Disorder Dudes" Hell bent on proving that they answer to no one, this dude illustrates his manliness by complete reckless disregard for the rules and norms of society. Their callous, cynical I don't give a fuck attitude is machoism at its finest.

Not only is this dude showing a total disregard for society by flippin tha bird, he does so with his bruhs, showing he can also fit into at least two other categories. He's a Dudes' Dude...but again, which one are you???

     Subcategory F: "The Alcoholics" These guys just can't hide their absolute love for Absolute, or anything alcoholic!

Nothing says tough guy like drinking Jameson straight from the bottle while boating.

"I take my psycho straight, no chaser"

Dude, straws in frou frou drinks are not macho, no matter how many you have in your hands at once!

This guy doesn't need a drink to announce his alcoholism.

Drinking Crown Royal straight from the bottle while wearing a sleeveless Tee denouncing flag burners = badass

This guy is not only macho because of what he drinks, or the spikey hair. He made the cut just by virtue of his description of himself. Careful, buddy. Karma sucks. 

     Subcategory G: Mean Dudes Not Otherwise Specified (NOS) These guys are just badass and they want you to know it. They're mean, unafraid, and sometimes wild.

No, I do not like Insane Clown Posse, thanks

I can't tell if you're angry or you have to poop. Either way, it's not working

I'm just angry. I don't know why. 

I'm not bitter. I just hate selfies. I hate smiling. 

Would it kill you to smile? Did your puppy die!

Stay tuned for Part II where we break down the remaining categories. And remember: don't be that dude!